Ask the Paperboy, Chapter 60: Daylight Saving Time Edition

Dear Ask the Paperboy:

Last year during early March, the U.S. Senate passed legislation that would have made daylight saving time permanent starting this Sunday, March 12. But now I understand that although we will spring forward Sunday, we will fall back come November 5, same as always, Lord willing we are still here. Right? Wrong? Let me know before Sunday. You’re on the clock starting … now!

Sleepily in Shreveport

Dear Sleepy,

Yes, to the first part; Congress considered making daylight saving time permanent, but it didn’t hap’n, Cap’n. Last year at this time, the proposed legislation went from the Senate to the House and the House was locked. By the time someone found a key, everyone in the House was in a foul mood and said NEG, that they “needed more time” to study its effects one way or the other because, apparently, the 100 years that daylight saving time has been around has not been enough time to really and truly think this thing through. Paperboy wishes daylight saving time were permanent because then it would be Headache Saving Time, since Paperboy’s head is all “confrused” twice a year. Finally, the bill was reintroduced by a senator just last week, has bipartisan support, and has been referred to the Committee on Commerce, Science, Transportation, Headaches, and Clocks. My sources tell me the biggest thing we in the Don’t Touch That Timepiece! lobby have going for us is support in the extremely partisan cow bloc, made up of bovines who don’t want to be milked at one time during March and another time during November. Who would? Cows don’t know a clock from an udder; they just know when the sun comes up. Cows keep life simple.

Dear Ask the Paperboy,

I see the Tarbutton Road Exit has opened in Lincoln Parish and a Buc-ee’s is a-comin’. This is the biggest news in these parts since Whataburger opened. But my query is, why is it called Tarbutton Road?

Life in Lincoln

Dear Life,

Paperboy feels it had to have been the name of someone who lived on that road before it had a name. As is often the custom in rural America, the name of the road, and sometimes a parish or town, is named for the early bird. You snooze, you lose. There are no Tarbuttons around now that I know of, but there are plenty in Texas and Mississippi and, with a name like that, they are all cool. My friend Teddy Allen feels if he’d have been named Teddy Simonetti or Teddy Takata or Teddy Tarbutton, he would have gotten some respect. Great names. They bring something to the party. Plus, it’s a fine road and a top-shelf exit. Hat tippage.

 Dear ATP,

Recently my favorite baseball player was in a slump and then he hit like two taters and knocked in more runs than you have fingers on your hand in one game. The announcer said he was “off the schneid.” Is this a sports term? A foreign language? Did I misunderstand?

Possibly taking this too personally,

J.T. Schneider, Schneider Road, Schneiderville

Dear J.T.,

Words have always amused Paperboy, even ever since he was just Paperbaby. A “schneid,” as it turns out, is a word that originated with gin rummy and means you lost that hand and didn’t score any points. So, a schneid is a bad thing and came to mean, in any sport, that it is not happening for you. To get “off the schneid” means you are winning again. So, if you see a schneid, stay away from it. If you’re on a schneid, say excuse me and get off it. Now that that’s settled, let’s score some runs!

Contact Teddy at teddy@latech.edu or Twitter @MamaLuvsManning