Another year is fading. And when the new enters in a just a few days, it will be out with the old self and in with the new and improved us via that most tried-and-true species enhancement mechanism…the resolution.

Nothing gets a new year off to a resounding start like promises to one’s self that become less a promise than a premise from which ill-conceived vocables become assertive assumptions. As your humble servant can attest, these self-promises are faithfully reneged faster’n a politician’s pronouncement.

Several decades of occupying space on this small corner of the cosmos has taught your favorite Rocker the fallacy of making unkeepable promises, even if they are to oneself only. We humans simply cannot be trusted to entrust ourselves with self-improvement commitments intended to last a whole twelve months. 

For those, and many reasons, your obedient observer resolves to make only reasonable promises. That’s why for the entirety of 2024, the only intention from the rockin’ chair is to trust the people who spend our money to do so with the skill and efficiency we’ve come to expect. 

Examples of how our revered representatives have expertly upped our national debt by a mere four trillion dollars just go to show our faith in them is justified. Fed funding for needy causes includes, but is not limited to:

•  “Struggling” musicians including Chris Brown and Lil Wayne were given $200 million by our Small Business Administration. Who knew “Rap” was wrapped under the SBA umbrella? All really small businesses must be excited to know the agency is opening its checkbook to the most needy. Interesting fact: Lil Wayne has an honorary Ph. D. which, apparently, is the acronym for Phree Dollars. The pot is bottomless.

• $33.2 million has gone to transgender monkey research. Somebody allegedly got this idea after watching the Tarzan movie where Mr. Chetah showed an attraction to lip stick and cold cream. We’re told researchers weren’t just monkeying around, they intended to link simian othersexuals and transgender humans to study social injustices. From the monkeys’ standpoint, this project was bananas.

• Costs, believed to be in the millions of dollars, targeted other projects where animals were subjects. Studies focused on Russian cats and treadmills, and Labradors walking in the summertime. We’re happy to report the “Hot Dog” review found a Lab’s fur color does not affect body temperature, and Russian cats do not dance the Trepak on treadmills. They do, however, purr to Rachmaninoff.

• Often the outlay of taxpayer funds is more cartoonish than Bugs and Daffy, which might also describe those who sign off on expenditures. One expropriation handed $118,000 to our fed friends to determine whether Marvel movie villain Thanos could snap his fingers while wearing the Infinity Gauntlet. That study was in conjunction with an alleged multi-billion dollar investigation proving Mitch McConnell can pick a taxpayer’s pocket while wearing oven mitts.

Waste of taxpayer dollars continues unabated. Last year, our caretakers spent a little over a million bucks to watch mice get drunk. Beverage of choice? The Mickey Finn. Also last year, $3 million dollars funded action matches between steroid-injected hamsters in an attempt to find drugs that can calm steroid-induced aggression. 

We hear no such remedies were found, but insiders say researchers learned those souped-up hamsters spun their little wheels with enough energy to charge 1,000 EVs per day, per furry critter. Of course, these are California hamsters using organic steroids.

So long as it is well spent, who are we to question those who finds the groups/causes/issues worthy of receiving our money.  

A D.C. friend says our Congresspersons do make resolutions but, like spending, they require someone else for fruition. They resolve that we, the overtaxed/overburdened great unwashed, work harder to earn more in taxable income. Currency circulation, it seems, is from us to political fingers permanently crammed in our back pockets.

And, we must oppose term limits. The seat holders must remain seated. In the real world, there’s not much of a job market for professional deficit spenders who believe constituent is defined as nuisance and lobbyists really represent the will of the people. 

Rocker thinks we agree. These fullabullerpompousites have earned our trust and the right to keep their power seats ’til hell, or Washington D.C. (redundant?) freezes over. 

— Pat Culverhouse