By Shannon Wright
There’s a moment in life that feels more like a punch to the gut than a breakthrough. It’s the moment you stop blaming your childhood, your partner, your parents, your co-workers, or your circumstances for everything that’s gone wrong in your life and finally admit the truth:
I AM THE PROBLEM.
That sounds harsh, but this realization is actually the most hopeful place to be. Because once you accept that you’re the problem, you also discover something powerful: you are the solution.
You’ve probably heard it said, “people don’t change,” and maybe THEY don’t, but YOU can.
Behaviorally, you can change ANYTHING you want.
Not everything you want, but anything you want.
That distinction matters. You cannot fix every flaw, heal every wound, and become a brand-new person overnight. But you CAN choose one thing. One behavior. One pattern. One way of responding that no longer serves you.
Ask yourself this: a year from now, what would need to be different for you to look back and say, “This year was a success”?
What’s one thing you truly want to change about yourself? Maybe two things but not everything. Start with something specific. Start with ONE thing.
Then comes the work.
Here’s what most of us get wrong: we set the bar impossibly high. We expect complete transformation, perfect progression and consistency, and worst of all, immediate results. And when we fail (which we will) we go right back to our old ways. Not because we can’t change, but because change is hard. VERY HARD. And when something has been a part of your life for years or even decades it doesn’t change without a fight!
This is exactly why so many people stay stuck in self-destructive cycles!
Because it’s easier (so we think).
Think about how often we do ANYTHING to avoid uncomfortable feelings – scrolling, drinking, drugs, sex, overeating, overworking, exercising excessively, staying busy, staying loud, staying distracted. Some addictions are obvious. Others wear respectable disguises. But if we’re honest, anything used to avoid pain, grief, shame, or fear can become a numbing agent.
If you’re like me, you probably knew long ago you NEEDED to change. Maybe you even told yourself you were trying. But if you’re really honest, you might admit you were being soft on yourself, or like me, making excuses for yourself, delaying the hard work, hoping awareness alone would fix things.
For me, it took ANOTHER breakdown for me to finally make a REAL decision. I was sick and tired of myself! I was determined to change, no matter what! I knew I had to get tough with myself. I had to stop excusing behaviors that were destroying my life!
But here’s the thing, I didn’t know HOW.
I had been in church my entire life, I had read nearly every self-help book known to man (so I thought) and I’d been in therapy off and on since I was a teenager, not to mention Al-anon and Al-ateen and I even participated in 12 step programs as a young adult.
I’m grateful for all of those things! But I was still stuck in a pattern that I couldn’t seem to break and I didn’t know what else to do.
That’s when a friend introduced me to trauma therapy and EMDR (Google it). This path may not be for you. It’s not for everyone. What matters is not the method, but the willingness to find what actually works FOR YOU.
And please don’t let anyone tell you you’re doing it wrong!
I believe in Jesus AND therapy. Prayer AND meditation. Journaling AND talking out loud. Forgiveness AND boundaries. The avenue to healing is not a one size fits all thing.
This journey scares people, and for good reason. It’s scary. But don’t let that scare you! (Pun intended).
One thing I can tell you with certainty is that you’re going to have to get to the real root of your problems and then learn to sit in silence with the pain of what you’ve discovered. You’re going to have to FEEL it to process it. And you’re going to have to process it to heal from it.
Rather than just learning to COPE, you’re going to have to dig in and get rid of it!
This whole process is very uncomfortable. VERY! It’s stressful. It’s exhausting. It is, without exaggeration, the hardest thing I’ve ever intentionally put myself through. but it’s also the most rewarding!
In the beginning, I thought doubt, anger, feeling sorry for myself, going backwards, being ashamed, being completely confused, and frustrated and wanting to quit meant I was doing something wrong. I thought these things were tainting the experience. Then one day I realized those things WERE the experience. That set me free!
I learned that healing is not a scene from a movie. It’s four years, not four minutes. You may go into this thinking you’re going to feel like Rocky Balboa when he’s running and everyone starts running behind him, he hurdles park benches, then finally reaches the top of the steps, turns around, punches the air, then raises his hands up in victory with everyone there to cheer him on!… but there’s no background music playing in real life and those “park benches” will trip you up! And that crowd, well… there ain’t one. And most days you’ll feel exhausted and angry and sad and alone.
And yes, it IS lonely.
You may lose friends before you find new ones who fit the life you’re building. You may stop talking about your healing journey because people don’t get it. They liked you the way you were. But you’re changing and not everyone will be able, or willing, to change with you.
Let things fall apart. Grieve what you lose. Feel the feelings in real time without numbing, distracting, or running. If you’re like me, this might be the first time you’ve ever done that, so it may be difficult to navigate.
I read something once that said your new life will cost you your old one, and that’s the truth.
And no one is coming to save you. You have to save yourself.
That sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.
Once you’re on the other side, the freedom is REAL. The feeling is INCREDIBLE! Plus, your healing doesn’t just change YOU. It changes your children. Their children. The people who cross your path. The people who cross their path. It’s exciting when you think that all your hard work creates a ripple effect! It may have been slow and painful at first but suddenly it begins to compound over and over.
This is how the world actually changes! Slowly, imperfectly, one brave person at a time. Breaking one pattern at a time. One day at a time. And it all starts with one gut wrenchingly honest conversation with yourself… and admitting that YOU are the problem.
(Shannon Wright is a real estate agents who is also a digital journalist for Webster Parish Journal. She lives in Sibley.)