There’s a part of me that wants to keep this column to myself. Toss it in the trash. Avoid anyone thinking I’ve completely lost my mind. But I set out to help people find the courage to face themselves and that means I have to be willing to do the same. Out loud. So here it is.
The goal of trauma therapy is simple to say but not easy to live. It’s to push through the negative emotional set point trauma keeps us in. The addictions, anger, bitterness, resentment and constant complaining. So that we can move toward a baseline of joy, faith, and love.
Have you ever had a season where everything irritated you? Even the people you love? Where nothing really makes you happy, and you catch yourself complaining about things you should be grateful for? Maybe it’s more than a season. Maybe it’s been decades or even your entire life if you’re completely honest with yourself.
You’re not alone. A lot of people are living in that state. I was one of them.
For me, it showed up in my body too. Pain. Exhaustion. A heaviness I couldn’t shake. What started as headaches in my teenage years morphed into something much bigger as the years went on. Labels like fibromyalgia and autoimmune issues came into the picture. But through trauma therapy, I began to realize that my body was trying to tell me something!
And since then, I’ve read many things on how trauma shows up in our bodies. There are entire books dedicated to this subject alone. It’s astonishing.
And then came the realization that maybe I sucked at relationships because of what I was AVOIDING, not because of what I had been through.
I was avoiding the fact that I was scared of true intimacy and real love.
That didn’t make sense at first. I even disagreed with that. Like really disagreed with it! Argued with my therapist, even. I thought I WANTED love. I wanted that more than anything, didn’t I?!? It’s all I had ever wanted. So I though. I thought I wanted a real, committed relationship. I wanted to feel chosen. But deep down, I was terrified of TRUE intimacy. Terrified of being FULLY seen. (and there was so much more to unpack in this area that we don’t have room for in a short newspaper article!)
The truth is, we can SAY we want something with our words, but our patterns tell a different story.
Looking back, there were warning signs all along. Even before my first marriage. There were things I brushed off, minimized, or buried. Even worse, there were many things I made excuses for. But what we don’t face doesn’t disappear. It builds. And eventually, it DEMANDS to be seen. A new relationship won’t fix it. Time won’t fix it. You have to FACE IT to fix it!
It’s like your body starts whispering… and if you don’t listen, it gets louder. And louder. And louder. Until you can’t ignore it anymore.
At some point, you realize you have a choice. You can suffer unconsciously, or intentionally. Because either way, there’s pain. But it’s only through INTENTION that your life gets better.
When you choose to face yourself, your fears, your patterns, your past, it hurts at first. Especially when you start to realize that YOU have been the majority of your problem all along! But on the other side of that pain is something completely different. There’s forgiveness, peace, growth, freedom and even joy!
And your body starts to respond too. The tension eases. The pain begins to subside. Your overall health gets better. Your energy comes back. You begin to feel alive again. Like REALLY alive!
Maybe that won’t be your exact experience. Maybe this all sounds like a bunch of woo-woo nonsense. But ask yourself this, what would it hurt to try?
For years, I organized my life around my trauma without even realizing it. I didn’t even know I HAD trauma. Had never heard of such a thing! But now I see that I chased love in the wrong ways. I tried to control everything to feel safe. I built habits and beliefs that didn’t serve me. The list goes on.
But one of the most freeing things I’ve learned is that those were things I DID. They weren’t who I AM (or even who I was).
We CAN change.
But we have to be honest with ourselves first.
Those small, unspoken resentments? They don’t stay small. They build. Quietly. And they can take you down if you let them! They WILL take you down if you let them!
So, ask yourself these four questions:
Do you want to live?
If you do, why? (Like really… WHY?)
What do you want to do?
What would make your life worth living?
Don’t answer quickly. Sit with these questions. Be real with yourself.
Pray. Journal. Sit in the quiet. Get outside. Think deeply about your life.
For me, there was a feeling like there was something inside me that I wasn’t expressing. Like there was a difference between what I had to give and what I was actually giving. And I felt like I was wasting my life.
Maybe that’s what people call a “mid-life crisis.” But I don’t think it’s a crisis at all. I think it’s an awakening.
An invitation to take a hard look at your life and ask yourself if you’re living with intention, or just running those same old worn-out patterns over and over again?
Even after a lot of effort, I still get it wrong. A lot. Way more than I care to admit! I don’t think this is something you ever “finish.” It’s a journey. But if sharing my messy, imperfect, chaotic story helps even one person feel less alone or gives one person the courage to take a step toward change, then it’s worth it.
And if you’re in the middle of your own life transformation, there’s a song that’s been sitting with me lately. It’s called “I Went Back to Ibiza” by Mike Posner. His journey from where he started to where he is now is a reminder that people really CAN change.
If something in you is stirring as you read this, don’t ignore it. Follow it. Face it. And trust that it will lead you somewhere better.
Here’s to YOU! Here’s to a better life!
(Shannon Wright is a real estate agent who is also a digital journalist for Webster Parish Journal. She lives in Sibley.)