“If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” – Anne Lamott
I have received flak from numerous people for finally feeling comfortable sharing my story. At first, I was hesitant. I tiptoed around the idea for a while, slowly scrounging up the courage to speak out.
Every day that passed, I would dip a toe in to test the waters and then quickly retreat whenever I felt a pang of criticism for it. One day, I became so overcome by the idea of freedom – freedom from the secrets, freedom from the guilt, freedom from being silent for so long – I jumped in headfirst.
No longer tiptoeing around this body of water, I became fully submerged. Because with freedom also comes the burden of freedom- for the two are inseparable. Yes, you’re free from drowning, no longer living a lie, but now you must face the truth, which can be just as scary.
It’s no longer my responsibility (nor should it have ever been) to lie to my friends, family or anyone for that matter to make you appear to be a decent human being. That’s the biggest difference between us. You have to lie to make me look bad, when I had to lie to make you look good. But I wasn’t only lying to others, I was lying to myself.
We can become so engulfed in our own expectations that we shape our reality into something it is not. It may begin as a little white lie – to only sharing the highlights – to avoidance – to denial – to refutation.
When you finally resurface on the other side, you must begin being honest with yourself, honest with others. You must share the painful moments; you must quit avoiding conflict in hopes that things will get better. You must stop denying that things aren’t working, and you must quit refusing to do something about it.
As I swim in the waters of freedom, I am flooded with emotion, but guilt is no longer one of them. I own everything that I have done and everything that others have done to me. I am no longer drenched in regret. If my truth is dousing your lies, then that is on you. Build a bridge and get over it,
(Paige Nash is a mom of three girls, digital journalist for Webster Parish Journal and publisher of Bienville Parish Journal and Claiborne Parish Journal.)