One thing that I know for certain (possibly the only thing) is that being a parent means that you live in a constant state of second-guessing. 

To be fair, I have always been the type to second-guess every decision I was making, but it seems I have earned my mastery in it since becoming a mother.  

In the early stages of motherhood, I second-guessed whether or not I was even built for this. I questioned if they were sleeping too much during the day, if we were doing enough tummy time, if they were meeting milestones at the appropriate times.  

Then we arrived at the toddler stage, and I REALLY second-guessed if I was built for this. This was also in the midst of me deciding I would go back to work which brought on a ton of anxiety and guilt. I was fairly sure this was the best decision for me and my family. The girls would get some social interaction with kids their age and I would get some adult interaction with people that were not constantly asking me for a snack or to help wipe their…. 

When they started school, I second-guessed if we did enough to prepare them for this transition. Would they be behind everyone else? Did I teach them enough when it comes to manners? Would they be kind or stand up to someone that wasn’t being kind to them? The anxiety I have surrounding bullying was a tough one for me and still is honestly. 

That concern only grew as my oldest is about to start middle school. I am also second-guessing whether or not I should have hired a math tutor because there is absolutely no second-guessing that I can continue to help her with her homework in that subject.  

Outside of school… do I provide them with enough opportunity to participate in extracurricular activities? Are we involved enough in church? Then, we have sibling rivalries. Didn’t I teach them better than this? Is anything I say to them actually sinking in? 

I haven’t openly spoken about my divorce on this platform, but you can only imagine the second-guessing that came along with that one, which is definitely the reason there was so much back and forth over the last couple of years, but ultimately there came a time where there was no second-guessing the fact that staying in an unhappy marriage was a healthy option for my children.

There was plenty of questioning myself when it came to how much I was willing to share with them on the subject. Now I question, if our custody arrangement is the best option along with a multitude of other specifics I won’t get into.  

I constantly ask myself…” what if I did this,” or “if only I had done that.” There is not much I know for certain, but I do know that every decision I make regarding my children I do it with the best intentions in mind. What more can I do? 

When I really dig deep into why I am so anxious when it comes to parenthood, I have realized it is because I have set some pretty unattainable standards for myself and sometimes for my children. But I have also realized all of us could just use a little grace.  

Being a parent is hard! Some days it’s a breeze and others… well …everyone is crying for no apparent reason (including me), but I hope one day my kids will look back and know without second-guessing, that I did the best I could. 

(Paige Gurgainers is a mom of three girls, digital journalist for Webster Parish Journal and publisher of Bienville Parish Journal and Claiborne Parish Journal, who does the best she can.)