By Paige Gurgainers

One phrase I heard a lot growing up…. “Don’t ever be dependent on a man.” 

I think this is a pretty common lesson that parents of young girls try to instill in them beginning at a fairly young age. Both my mom and even my dad always told me this growing up. “Make sure to pick a job where you can make enough money and won’t ever have to depend on anyone else.” 

I can’t say that the message really soaked in until just a couple years ago. I have always worked, but I took about a year off during the pandemic and stayed at home with my family. Then, it was hard transitioning back into the real world – getting a new job, getting the kids back into routine with brick-and-mortar schooling, etc.  

I was working, but not to sustain myself and my family. I was basically working just so I wouldn’t go crazy after being a stay-at-home mom for so long and just to contribute with bills where I could. I was doing something I loved, but it didn’t pay a whole lot. There was no way I was going to be able to confidently sing along to “Independent” by Boosie while I was working this job because unfortunately, I indeed needed a partner at this time.  

Other circumstances with my past marriage forced me to become independent though and I now can chant “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T….” with my whole chest.  

Even though I haven’t lived by the rule, “Don’t ever depend on ANYONE,” I admittedly have always snuck the message in with my girls still. But I wasn’t practicing what I preachedduring those times, but now I have made it my life mission to set that example. 

I may have lost a few of you there and that’s okay. I know it sounds a little bit feminst-y. But I am not just referring to someone of the opposite sex. I mean ANYONE!  

See, most of the time when girls hear this message they only think about money. But it’s so much more than that. It also includes not needing anyone to make you feel whole, be successful and/or be financially stable. 

I know there is a TikTok trend right now where one poster says, “You may not need a man, but I need mine.” And that’s okay too. So, I have added an extra layer to my teaching and that includes… If you are going to rely on someone, more specifically your significant other then here are some things I think are required. I have included my personal cliff notes on what a person (man or woman) that can be relied upon looks like.

• Emotionally mature. Yes, we all know at least one man who is nearing the 60-year mark (most likely balding) and still goes out every weekend, acting like they just turned 21. Probably not the most mature emotionally or otherwise.
• Values friendship and family. They most likely come from a strong support system and know what that looks like, which means they may be more willing to also provide a strong support system. Also, more likely to be loyal. 
• Someone who is forgiving and on the other end – also does not mind admitting their own mistakes. Relationships require a lot of apologizing, forgiveness and compassion.  
• Open communication is also a big requirement. They make their intentions clear, able to express their feelings, needs and wants, and willing to listen.  
• Strong work ethic and I don’t just mean in their professional career. Working is hard, relationships are hard, raising children is hard. All of this is going to require someone who isn’t lazy when it comes to being a true partner.  

But you better believe I am still going to be pounding in the message of “don’t ever depend on ANYONE.” After everything I have been through, I can look my parents straight in the eye and say, “You were right.” (Yeah, one of those moments we begrudgingly don’t like to admit – your parents being right!) I truly believe we should make ourselves happy and rely on ourselves solely to do that, then we can have a partner for added substance in our life, not to make our lives worth living.