Hello! Me, again! I know it’s been way too long, but there have been a lot of changes going on in my life over the last several months – most of which are amazing, but regrettably it has left little extra time for my column or writing in general. Now that things are settled (as much as they can be), I am looking forward to getting back to our usual weekly sessions. 

I was lying in bed late last night and was in that in-between area where you are not fully awake, but not fully asleep either. This is where I am usually met with my most “world-changing, life-altering” ideas. One downfall of this is that I don’t always remember them, so I have started jousting myself out of that realm long enough to make a quick note on my cell phone before closing my eyes hopefully until my alarm clock goes off the next morning. 

I will say most of the time when I wake up and look at these notes I made while halfway asleep a lot of the time they make absolutely no sense, but this morning one did. It read, “Luv ur partner the way they want 2 b luvd – tragic” Which translates to “Love your partner the way they want to be loved – tragic.”  

I understood the first part quite well, but it took me some time to work out why I included the “tragic” part, but soon enough it hit me… 

There’s a tragedy that plays out in many relationships, sometimes it is loud, but often it is a quiet tragedy — a well-meaning lover giving their heart the best way they know how, only to have it land flat, unnoticed. And on the other side, a partner feeling lonely, untouched by the gestures meant to warm them. This heartbreak isn’t caused by indifference or neglect. It’s simply the heartbreak of two people loving each other in different languages. 

Sidenote: If you are unaware of the different types of love languages… there are five. 

Words of Affirmation 

Physical Touch 

Act of Service 

Receiving Gifts 

Quality Time  

Which leads me back to that first part… We often love others the way we want to be loved. I know I am so guilty of this. If words make us feel safe and cherished, we offer affirmations. Personally, my love language is acts of service, so I feel most loved when my partner offers to cook, do the laundry, unload the dishwasher – ultimately helping to relieve some of the burden and stress. But what if our partner isn’t moved by those things? What if they’re waiting for something else entirely? 

Loving someone in their love language means stepping outside your own emotional comfort zone. It’s less about grand gestures and more about quiet fluency in what matters most to them. It’s not always easy. If physical touch doesn’t come naturally to you, learning to reach out more often might feel awkward at first. If you crave deep conversation but they value quality time without words, the silence might feel unfamiliar. But love — true, committed love — is less about comfort and more about connection. 

I have a friend whose husband brought flowers home every Friday without fail. To him, this ritual meant love. But my friend didn’t see it that way. Yes, it was nice, and she appreciated it, but she longed for long walks, laughter over coffee- quality time. He couldn’t understand why she didn’t melt at his consistent offerings. She couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t sit down and just be with her. 

It wasn’t until they talked — really talked — that they saw what was happening. He started leaving the flowers behind and instead took her out for walks on Saturday mornings. She started recognizing the tenderness behind the things he did for her, even if they weren’t what she would have chosen. That’s when their love started to deepen — not because they gave more, but because they gave differently. 

Through all of my pain and suffering with past relationships I have learned that in order to love someone well is to study them. To listen for what makes their eyes light up. To notice when they lean in and when they shrink back. It means asking: “How do you feel most loved?” and then being willing to grow into their answer. 

It’s not always intuitive. It takes practice, humility, and patience. But it’s worth it. Because when someone feels loved in the language that speaks to their soul – they bloom. And when they bloom, the whole relationship becomes richer, more alive, more honest. 

So, here’s my challenge to you (and myself): next time you reach out in love – pause and ask yourself — is this what I would want, or what they truly need? Learn their language and speak it often. Not because it’s easy. But because they’re worth it. 

That, after all, is love — not just giving, but giving in the way they can actually receive. 

(Paige Gurgainers is a mom of three girls, digital journalist for Webster Parish Journal.)