By Shannon Wright
I’ll be honest, this article has not been easy to write. It’s actually been a little stressful. I’ve worried about how it will land, who will understand it, and who won’t.
But here goes.
One of the first things I learned early in trauma therapy is that the REAL problem isn’t the behavior (the coping mechanism).
Sure, the behavior is what you want to change right now. That’s what’s causing problems in your relationships, your marriage, your friendships, your parenting, your work. That’s what people SEE.
But it’s MUCH deeper than that!
The behavior APPEARS to be the problem, but that behavior likely saved your life when it was first developed.
Let that sink in.
But the REAL issue is what that behavior is hiding!
If you only address the behaviors (the anger, the people-pleasing, the avoidance, the control, the drugs, the drinking, the numbing) you may see temporary change, but until you get to the REAL ISSUE that CREATED that behavior, it will keep showing up in different ways because the REAL ISSUE isn’t healed.
You’re going to have to dig down and get to the root!
For me, my trauma goes back to a very young age. For you, it may be childhood trauma too. Or maybe it was high school. College. The military. A first relationship. A marriage that broke you. It’s different for everyone.
If it was early childhood like mine, you may find yourself working to heal your “inner child.” I know that sounds woo-woo. I thought so too!
But I was desperate enough to try anything at that point and four years later, I have zero regrets.
I had to face the little girl who had been scared and alone. I thanked her for being so strong and for saving me. I told her I love her. That I was proud of her. I imagined hugging little Shannon so tight… then pulling back, looking into her big blue eyes, holding her little hands, and telling her she is safe now, and that it’s my turn to save HER.
Again, I understand that sounds woo-woo. But it helped me!
Some people say, “It is what it is,” or “You can’t change the past, so what’s the point?”
But there is a point. The point is healing.
It’s true, you can’t change what happened. But you CAN change how it lives inside you and THAT changes your behavior. Which changes your life. Which changes lives around you!
Finding out what happened and when it happened, or at least the time in your life where it first happened, helps you understand why you developed the coping mechanisms you did.
Sometimes you won’t remember clearly or at all. That’s okay. A good therapist can help you navigate that.
This work isn’t about blaming your parents, your ex, your past, or excusing the damage YOU have caused others at this point. It’s about making sense of it so you can begin to heal.
This isn’t a one-time fix. It’s a journey.
And here’s the hardest part.
When you start healing, people will talk. Some will speak well of you. Many won’t. Old friends may say, “You think you’re too good for us now.” Family members may feel uncomfortable. The very people who hurt you may get angry when you set boundaries. Why? Because your growth forces them to look at themselves and they probably aren’t ready.
New people might say you’re “too intense” or that you’re “taking this healing thing too seriously.” I’ve even been told I need to “learn to relax.”
I was very offended by that one because I had “relaxed” through things for decades! I knew it was time to stop relaxing and put it in high gear to start changing.
Sometimes the hardest lesson is realizing that people will cheer you on to your face and criticize you behind your back.
Before healing, you may not have recognized the gossip or subtle disrespect. After you begin healing, you feel it. That’s when it’s time to step back.
You don’t have to be unkind. You don’t have to be hateful. You just have to create distance and set boundaries.
For those of us who never really had boundaries before, that can feel VERY uncomfortable! But you must do it.
Remember, two people can go through similar trauma and walk away with completely different behaviors. One may become a people-pleaser. Another may become guarded and detached. One may crave love and affection. Another may push it away.
Your behaviors may not look like mine. That’s okay. That’s not the important part.
What’s important is that you decide what you want YOUR life to look like a year from now.
Then start making decisions that move you closer and closer to that life.
Start doing the uncomfortable work that pushes you toward that life. Next thing you know, that will BE your life!
Keep in mind that you may go backwards. I have. More than once. When you do, forgive yourself and turn back around.
It’s a process. You are not broken. You are healing. And you can do this.
(Shannon Wright is a real estate agent who is also a digital journalist for Webster Parish Journal. She lives in Sibley.)