I had a thought the other day that I can’t seem to shake, and I’m wondering if I’m the only parent who does this.
Why is it that when our kids do something wrong, our first instinct is to blame ourselves? They make a bad decision, get in trouble at school, say something they shouldn’t, or just have one of those moments that every kid eventually has, and immediately our minds start racing. “What could I have done differently? Did I miss something? Was I too hard? Too easy? Should I have handled that conversation better?”
We replay everything. We carry the guilt. We somehow convince ourselves that if our child messed up, then surely we must have too.
But then our kids do something incredible.
They show kindness when nobody’s watching. They stand up for someone who needs a friend. They work hard for something they care about. They say “yes ma’am” without being reminded or surprise us with a level of maturity that makes us stop in our tracks.
And what do we say?
“I don’t know where they get that from.”
Excuse me… what?!
How is it that we’re willing to take full responsibility for every mistake they make, but we won’t give ourselves even a little credit for the good things?
I’m guilty of it all the time. My girls will do something that makes me unbelievably proud, and my first thought is, “Well, that’s just who they are.” But if one of them makes a poor choice? Suddenly I’m questioning every parenting decision I’ve made over the last decade.
That doesn’t seem very fair does it?
Now, don’t get me wrong. Our kids are their own people. They have their own personalities, their own hearts and eventually they’ll make decisions that have nothing to do with us. We don’t get to take all the credit when things go well, and we certainly can’t take all the blame when they don’t.
But I also think we forget just how much they’re picking up from us every single day.
They’re watching how we treat people. They’re listening to how we talk about others. They notice how we handle disappointment, stress, forgiveness and love. They’re paying attention when we think they aren’t.
Those little moments matter more than we realize.
So maybe when your child shows compassion, it’s because they’ve watched you show compassion. Maybe when they work hard, it’s because they’ve spent years watching you get up and do the same. Maybe when they’re respectful or generous or resilient, those qualities didn’t just appear out of thin air.
Maybe you’ve been planting those seeds all along.
I think, as parents, we can be incredibly hard on ourselves. We remember every mistake we’ve made, every time we lose our patience, every moment we wish we could do over. Those memories stick with us far longer than they should.
But maybe we should spend just as much time noticing what we’re getting right.
Because if we’re going to take ownership of every difficult season our kids walk through, then we ought to allow ourselves to celebrate the beautiful parts of who they’re becoming too.
The next time your child does something that makes your heart swell with pride, don’t be so quick to brush it off with, “I don’t know where they got that from.”
Maybe… just maybe… they got a little bit of it from you and if that’s true, I think you’ve earned the right to smile and take a tiny bit of the credit.
(Paige Gurgainers is a mom of three girls, digital journalist for Webster Parish Journal.)