By Shannon Wright
It’s only the fifth “Wright from the Heart” article and I’m already starting to doubt myself.
When people stop me at church, at a restaurant, or send me messages to say an article really touched them, I’m truly grateful. It means more than I can put into words that something I wrote helped someone feel less alone or encouraged them to take action in their own lives.
But if I’m honest, gratitude isn’t the only thing I feel.
At the root of it, there’s doubt. Unworthiness. Sometimes even shame.
My mind whispers things like “If they only knew the things I did in my past.” Or “If they knew what was going on in my life right now.” Or even, “She probably says that to all the writers.”
Years ago, someone taught me to accept compliments because they’re gifts. So I do. I smile. I say thank you.
But my mind still wants to downplay it.
Because I still don’t have my life completely in order. I still struggle with forgiveness. I still wrestle with old habits of thinking. I still fall short in ways I wish I didn’t.
And I’m guessing you do too.
Maybe when you hit a goal, instead of celebrating, you get nervous. I’ve found that when I start reaching goals, I get a little scared. And when I surpass them? Whew! That’s when my old friend self-sabotage comes knocking.
She’s relentless.
That familiar voice starts up again…
“You’ll never amount to anything.”
“You’re not good enough.”
“You’re too much.”
“Everyone else is so far ahead of you.”
And my favorite…
“You’ve wrecked other people’s lives so your life will be wrecked as soon as you’re happy.”
If you’ve heard a similar voice, you’re not crazy.
That voice is FEAR.
And as the song says, “Fear is a liar.”
Is fear driving your life?
Because if fear is driving, you’re in the backseat.
Maybe it’s not fear for you. Maybe it’s anger. Anxiety. Sadness. Overwhelm.
When emotions are driving our lives, we are not in control.
I’ll be honest, for most of my life, my emotions were in the driver’s seat. Anger and resentment were my go-to emotions. I would “lose it” on the people around me and feel terrible afterward. But in the moment? It felt justified.
“They knew that would set me off.”
“They should have known better.”
“They shouldn’t have done that.”
But that is NOT being in control.
That’s what’s referred to as emotional immaturity.(Ew… I HATED the first time I heard that about myself. Ouch!)
By definition, emotional immaturity means having difficulty handling emotions in a healthy, adult way.
It’s reacting instead of responding. Especially to uncomfortable feelings like anger, shame, fear, or rejection.
What I’ve learned through trauma therapy is that emotional immaturity often develops when someone grows up in chaos, neglect, or violence.
It’s not malicious. It’s just underdeveloped coping skills.
Here’s the good news… you can LEARN new coping skills.
You can learn to pause.
You can learn to regulate.
You can learn to respond instead of react.
And THAT is how you begin taking control of your life! THAT is how you move into the driver’s seat of your own life. That is how you CHANGE your life!
No one else is responsible for regulating your emotions. YOU ARE.
Let me put it in baseball terms.
When you’re up to bat, you don’t stand there expecting the pitcher to adjust to you so you can get a good hit. You adjust to the pitch. You watch the curveball. You shift your stance. You swing differently if you have to.
Life is the same way.
We can’t expect the people around us to adjust their behavior to make us happy. We can’t demand that everyone tiptoe around our triggers. We are the only ones we can control.
If we want a better life, we have to adjust.
That doesn’t mean people aren’t responsible for their own behavior. It just means we stop handing them the steering wheel to OUR emotional lives.
So maybe it’s time for a self-audit.
Who’s driving your life right now?
Is it Fear? Anger? Anxiety? Shame? Or is it you?
(Shannon Wright is a real estate agent who is also a digital journalist for Webster Parish Journal. She lives in Sibley.)