If you have more than one child, you have probably served as the presiding judge over some incredibly serious cases.
Someone sat in someone else’s spot. Someone borrowed a shirt without asking. Someone looked at someone “in a rude way.” Someone breathed too loudly in the car. And, naturally, each offense requires a full investigation, witness testimony and closing arguments from every child involved.
Recently, I found myself mediating another one of these domestic disputes between my girls. By the time I entered the room, both sides were presenting evidence at a volume that suggested the entire neighborhood had been summoned for jury duty and all at the same time!
After listening (or at least attempting to) I told one of them that she needed to apologize.
“I’m sorry,” she said, pausing just long enough to give me false hope, “but she started it.” I stopped her immediately.
We’re not doing “I’m sorry, but.” I told her she can explain what hurt her afterward, but first she needed to take responsibility for what she did.
She looked at me with the particular expression children reserve for moments when their mother has become completely unreasonable. Still, she tried again.
“I’m sorry I said that to you.”
That was it…No defense. No countercharge. No list of her sister’s previous offenses dating back to kindergarten. It was just a simple apology… And a small parenting moment, but it stayed with me because children are not the only ones who struggle to apologize without attaching a disclaimer. Adults do it ALL THE TIME!
We admit just enough to say we apologized, then quickly redirect the conversation toward what the other person did wrong. We use their mistakes to soften our own, as if accountability is only required from the person who committed the first offense…or the worst one.
Another person’s behavior may explain our reaction; it does not erase our responsibility for it.
That is what I was trying to teach my daughter. She was allowed to be hurt. She was allowed to tell her sister what happened from her perspective. She was even allowed to expect an apology in return, but none of that changed the fact that she was responsible for the words that came out of her own mouth.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized how often we ask children to practice a kind of accountability that adults regularly avoid.
We tell them to tell the truth, even when the truth might get them in trouble. We expect them to admit when they have done something wrong. We remind them that saying sorry means changing their behavior. We tell them not to bring up every mistake their sibling has ever made just because they are being corrected in the present moment.
Then we grow up and become remarkably skilled at doing exactly that.
As a mother, I do not want to raise children who believe they must accept blame for everything to keep the peace. I want my daughters to know the difference between taking responsibility and carrying responsibility that does not belong to them.
They can say, “I was wrong for what I did,” without saying, “Everything was my fault.” They can apologize sincerely and still expect accountability from the other person and they can acknowledge someone else’s pain without allowing their own pain to be dismissed.
Two people can both have something to answer for. One person’s mistake does not cancel out the other’s. Accountability is not a courtroom where only one side can be found guilty. Sometimes everyone involved needs to examine what they contributed, make a genuine apology and decide to do better.
That includes me!
There are times when I have been too impatient, raised my voice or reacted from frustration instead of responding with care. In those moments, I owe my children a real apology…not an explanation disguised as one.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you, but you weren’t listening” places the burden right back on the child. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I was frustrated, but I should have handled it differently” takes responsibility while still telling the truth.
That small change matters.
My children are learning how to apologize by watching how I apologize. They are learning what accountability looks like by seeing whether I practice it when I am the one who was wrong. They are also learning what they should expect from the people who love them.
I want them to recognize a genuine apology when they receive one and to notice when someone offers blame, excuses or guilt instead.
“I’m sorry, but” may sound like accountability, but most of the time, everything after the word “but” is an attempt to take it back. (Highlight THAT part!)
The truth is, an apology does not make us weak. Taking responsibility does not erase the ways we have been hurt. It simply means we are honest enough to own our part without using someone else’s mistakes as an escape route.
That is the lesson I was trying to teach my girls and, as often happens in motherhood, it was a lesson I needed to hear too.
(Paige Gurgainers is a mom of three girls, digital journalist for Webster Parish Journal.)